I flipped through my previous journals (the ones starting from August 2010). Number for entries from August 2010 - June 2012: Two books. Number of journal entries since 10 june 2012: Fifteen. Ohgod the first semester in university has seen me being so disgustingly happy and empty. Sadness (or whatever negative feelings) make you reflect so much more. And thinking is the only thing that keeps me alive. It's not as though I write a lot here either, but things here are public and therefore much less personal. I don't drop names here at all, with the exception of just the two I guess.

This might sound kind of twisted, but I want to be on that 'roller coaster of emotions', feel more and more and more and more sadness, so one simple action from someone would put me on a high. I want to write about them and feel alive. I don't want to be alone and satisfied. Things are kind of boring and empty.

So I long for happiness whenever I'm upset, but there's always the part of me that likes feeling like I'm at the bottom of the world, cause it feels productive. I mean, reflecting makes you feel productive cause it means you won't get depressed over the same things over and over again. And it makes you feel like you're gonna be a better person. Plus your head becomes so much clearer after writing.

It's like how they say 'there's always the storm before the calm'. And you like the storms cause they make you appreciate the calm much more later on.

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Then again, I know I'm doing this to myself cause I'm simply detaching myself from people to prevent things from messing up with my life. Suppose they call that defence mechanism. So please, myself, learn to love others once more and fall into pits and abysses as you wish. (don't just love the ones you trust). You're being far too cold these days, not replying and such. You won't die.